Step-Families

I am thankful every day that my family unit is intact and in a loving, (mostly) harmonious state.  However, I know several people who have been effected by divorce.  I had one friend in high school, Nicole, who had a long genealogical history of divorce.  She had about eight grandparents and four parents and who knows how many step-siblings.  I knew her when Prop 8 was a big issue in California, especially where we lived.  We spoke about the issue one day and where we stood on it.  She told me that she felt that love was a precious thing, and if you found it, then you should be together, no matter what.  It was too great and too rare, she said.  Coming from her family background as she had, I could see where this philosophy came from.  It was interesting for me to see that divorce could make the people it affected feel the way Nicole did about love.  Divorce didn't always make people bitter.  Sometimes, it gave them hope for something better.

Parenthood

This week, it was especially interesting to watch the videos on active parenting techniques.  I believe that my parents were active parents during my childhood and my two closest siblings as well.  But the younger ones, I think, are experiencing a more permissive style parenting from my parents.  Of course, my mom was never very good at communication and still isn't.  My dad is a pro at helping me solve my problems, work them out myself, and giving me encouragement.  My mom often makes me feel down or stupid when I try to express my problems to her.  Based on my mom and dad's examples, I know which style I want to adopt and use when I am a parent. 

One thing that struck me from watching the videos was that it all looked so simple, so easy.  Of course, the truth of the matter is that active parenting is not always easy or simple.  I think that often the natural man tries to come through, and it is easy to let it.  It takes a little more effort to stop and think about how a situation should best be handled.  That is reason and that is what separates us from other beasts on the earth.  Then, we have to remember that our children have that reason too, and that we should encourage them to utilize it so that it will become second nature to them.  I know that parenting will be as rewarding as it is challenging.  I just hope that with the right arsenal of tools and knowledge, I will be able to become the parent my children need.

Fatherhood

Writing the paper on fatherhood was a really good experience for me.  It caused me to take a step back and really assess what fatherhood is, how important and essential it is, and how I might be able to help or hinder the father of our children.  From doing this assignment, I am also more aware of my own father and the great qualities that he possesses.  I cannot believe his patience all those years.  And I cannot fathom his love.  I know that the best way that I can make sure that my children have a great dad is to marry a great dad.  In choosing my life partner, I need to keep in mind that he may be a father someday and would I want him to be my children's father.  How will he raise them?  Will I agree with his methods?  It's all very important to consider. 

SAHMs

The discussion that stood out the most to me this week was Friday's discussion regarding work and the home.  This was especially poignant to me because I recently read Dr. Laura's In Praise of Stay at Home Moms.  I have always known that I should be and should want to be a stay at home mom.  In truth, that is exactly what I want.  However, I am definitely one for gaining the greatest education that I can.  Perhaps I am not being modest in saying so, but I believe that God has blessed me with some intense brains.  I have always wanted to use them and used to be at a loss as to how I could both have a career and be a stay at home mom.  Over the years, I have seen a solution and Dr. Laura's book gave me some great gold nuggets of information and support.  I need to gain the greatest education I can for my children.  They will have the smartest mom on the block.  I will be an intelligent member and participator in society and try to pass it on to my children.  When they are gone and living their own lives, then perhaps a career is a good path to take.  But I will certainly not miss my children and their growing years, if I have the choice.

Dr. Laura's book gave some great advice, but for me it gave me even greater support.  Like I said, I made the decision long ago to be a SAHM (stay at home mom, as she calls them) and nothing will change that.  But in this world today there are so many nay-sayers.  So many men, women, and media telling me "No! Have a career!  Put the kids in daycare!"  They try to tell me that I will be a slave to my husband and children.  They try to tell me that I will be unfulfilled, not reaching my full potential.  And what hurts the most is that they will look at me with disdain and pity, thinking that I am some ignorant traditionalist who doesn't know what she's doing.  But Dr. Laura says to heck with the nay-sayers.  They are the ones who are missing out.  They tell you you're doing it wrong but they know deep down inside that they are doing it wrong, so says Dr. Laura.  Nothing will replace the fulfillment of seeing your babies' first everything, your babies' plays, your babies' achievements.  A career can wait.  A child cannot.  I want to be a SAHM.

Family Crisis

When asked to create a list of family crises, I honestly thought that my list would be extremely small.  I have been blessed throughout my life to not have many great stressers in my immediate family.  However, the list ended up being bigger than I thought as I pondered on what really makes a crises.  In some cases, I had written off a stressful experience of my family in my mind either because the issue had been resolved with time or my family had dealt with the problem well.  In those cases, the stress from the event was somewhat lifted from my mind, and I hardly thought of it as a family crisis. 

Take, for instance, when I was in 7th grade and the mountain near my community caught fire.  I live in LA county, so wildfires in October are not all that uncommon.  However, this fire was very near my house and we stood a chance of loosing everything.  I can still remember the ash falling like snow, coating the pavement and grass.  We had to wear masks to protect our lungs.  I had a moment akin to the scenario often given in school or church where you are in a crisis and can only choose a certain number of things to take with you, so you must choose the most important.  Well, my mom gave us each a trash bag and said, "Fill the bag.  Take only what's most important."  We packed up the van with each of our precious trash bags, all the photo albums and home videos, all the bills and files, everything we could.  Then we waited.  Waited to see if the firemen could redirect the fire.  In the end, the community was saved.  Though, as I learned later, we were most likely not in tremendous danger.  The builders of the community had taken precautions against the wildfires prone to the area, planted fireproof vegetation and such.  However, there was a slim chance that something could have gone wrong.  Our street was under voluntary evacuation and the street below us was under mandatory evacuation, after all. 

I think what made the experience not seem like a crisis in hindsight was the fact that my parents chose to have a very light mood about it all during and after the event.  My dad kept making jokes and tried to get us to laugh.  He kept assuaging our fears, always saying that nothing would happen, we were safe.  My mom was very practical about it all.  The packed-up van was just a precaution, she said to us.  I think the light mood helped immensely in our dealing with the problem.  And that's often how my family undergos trials: with a smile.  In that way, my mind often does not see crises as others might.  I see them as ways in which my family is brought closer together.

Intimacy

I have always felt that my parents have done very well in teaching their children about the beauty of intimacy but also the sacred nature of it.  Both of my parents had less than desirable experiences in learning about sexual intimacy from their parents.  So, when they married, they decided that they would take a different approach with their kids.  They wanted to be more open about it, less reserved, more able to answer questions, and more comfortable with it.  If ever I had a question of that nature, my parents would be as truthful as they could and give me as much information as they felt I needed to know.  By a certain age, they made sure that we each had a one-on-one conversation with them so that they could stress the importance of sexual intimacy as well as the mechanics.  I have always felt comfortable in coming to my mom with questions about sexual intimacy.  I want to take the same approach as my parents when I have children of my own. 

Getting Married

This week, I felt like I read so much data on how marriages can be made more difficult or even fail.  It seems that there are so many factors weighing against those who are looking for someone to marry and be with for eternity.  So much can go wrong.  That's why I thought of two major things this week that are important in keeping perspective on the marriage.  First, you have to pick the right person; the person who's going to be your best friend and absolutely committed to the relationship.  I think having a great makes all the difference.  But, of course, that doesn't mean that those who don't have a great start are doomed to failure.  It just makes it a little harder.  But it can be overcome!  This ties into the second thing I thought about this week, which was: don't focus on the small things.  Keep a wide perspective and always try to see the other side of things.  Being nit-picky doesn't scream for affection.  For me, at least, it a real turn-off.  Dr. Laura heavily advises against being a nagging wife.  And a nagging wife just focuses on the little things, not the droop in her husband's shoulders or loss of light and affection in his eye as she rails on him for something insignificant in comparison to the health of their marriage.  Focusing on the things that matter most will give us greater satisfaction in marriages.