Step-Families

I am thankful every day that my family unit is intact and in a loving, (mostly) harmonious state.  However, I know several people who have been effected by divorce.  I had one friend in high school, Nicole, who had a long genealogical history of divorce.  She had about eight grandparents and four parents and who knows how many step-siblings.  I knew her when Prop 8 was a big issue in California, especially where we lived.  We spoke about the issue one day and where we stood on it.  She told me that she felt that love was a precious thing, and if you found it, then you should be together, no matter what.  It was too great and too rare, she said.  Coming from her family background as she had, I could see where this philosophy came from.  It was interesting for me to see that divorce could make the people it affected feel the way Nicole did about love.  Divorce didn't always make people bitter.  Sometimes, it gave them hope for something better.

Parenthood

This week, it was especially interesting to watch the videos on active parenting techniques.  I believe that my parents were active parents during my childhood and my two closest siblings as well.  But the younger ones, I think, are experiencing a more permissive style parenting from my parents.  Of course, my mom was never very good at communication and still isn't.  My dad is a pro at helping me solve my problems, work them out myself, and giving me encouragement.  My mom often makes me feel down or stupid when I try to express my problems to her.  Based on my mom and dad's examples, I know which style I want to adopt and use when I am a parent. 

One thing that struck me from watching the videos was that it all looked so simple, so easy.  Of course, the truth of the matter is that active parenting is not always easy or simple.  I think that often the natural man tries to come through, and it is easy to let it.  It takes a little more effort to stop and think about how a situation should best be handled.  That is reason and that is what separates us from other beasts on the earth.  Then, we have to remember that our children have that reason too, and that we should encourage them to utilize it so that it will become second nature to them.  I know that parenting will be as rewarding as it is challenging.  I just hope that with the right arsenal of tools and knowledge, I will be able to become the parent my children need.

Fatherhood

Writing the paper on fatherhood was a really good experience for me.  It caused me to take a step back and really assess what fatherhood is, how important and essential it is, and how I might be able to help or hinder the father of our children.  From doing this assignment, I am also more aware of my own father and the great qualities that he possesses.  I cannot believe his patience all those years.  And I cannot fathom his love.  I know that the best way that I can make sure that my children have a great dad is to marry a great dad.  In choosing my life partner, I need to keep in mind that he may be a father someday and would I want him to be my children's father.  How will he raise them?  Will I agree with his methods?  It's all very important to consider. 

SAHMs

The discussion that stood out the most to me this week was Friday's discussion regarding work and the home.  This was especially poignant to me because I recently read Dr. Laura's In Praise of Stay at Home Moms.  I have always known that I should be and should want to be a stay at home mom.  In truth, that is exactly what I want.  However, I am definitely one for gaining the greatest education that I can.  Perhaps I am not being modest in saying so, but I believe that God has blessed me with some intense brains.  I have always wanted to use them and used to be at a loss as to how I could both have a career and be a stay at home mom.  Over the years, I have seen a solution and Dr. Laura's book gave me some great gold nuggets of information and support.  I need to gain the greatest education I can for my children.  They will have the smartest mom on the block.  I will be an intelligent member and participator in society and try to pass it on to my children.  When they are gone and living their own lives, then perhaps a career is a good path to take.  But I will certainly not miss my children and their growing years, if I have the choice.

Dr. Laura's book gave some great advice, but for me it gave me even greater support.  Like I said, I made the decision long ago to be a SAHM (stay at home mom, as she calls them) and nothing will change that.  But in this world today there are so many nay-sayers.  So many men, women, and media telling me "No! Have a career!  Put the kids in daycare!"  They try to tell me that I will be a slave to my husband and children.  They try to tell me that I will be unfulfilled, not reaching my full potential.  And what hurts the most is that they will look at me with disdain and pity, thinking that I am some ignorant traditionalist who doesn't know what she's doing.  But Dr. Laura says to heck with the nay-sayers.  They are the ones who are missing out.  They tell you you're doing it wrong but they know deep down inside that they are doing it wrong, so says Dr. Laura.  Nothing will replace the fulfillment of seeing your babies' first everything, your babies' plays, your babies' achievements.  A career can wait.  A child cannot.  I want to be a SAHM.

Family Crisis

When asked to create a list of family crises, I honestly thought that my list would be extremely small.  I have been blessed throughout my life to not have many great stressers in my immediate family.  However, the list ended up being bigger than I thought as I pondered on what really makes a crises.  In some cases, I had written off a stressful experience of my family in my mind either because the issue had been resolved with time or my family had dealt with the problem well.  In those cases, the stress from the event was somewhat lifted from my mind, and I hardly thought of it as a family crisis. 

Take, for instance, when I was in 7th grade and the mountain near my community caught fire.  I live in LA county, so wildfires in October are not all that uncommon.  However, this fire was very near my house and we stood a chance of loosing everything.  I can still remember the ash falling like snow, coating the pavement and grass.  We had to wear masks to protect our lungs.  I had a moment akin to the scenario often given in school or church where you are in a crisis and can only choose a certain number of things to take with you, so you must choose the most important.  Well, my mom gave us each a trash bag and said, "Fill the bag.  Take only what's most important."  We packed up the van with each of our precious trash bags, all the photo albums and home videos, all the bills and files, everything we could.  Then we waited.  Waited to see if the firemen could redirect the fire.  In the end, the community was saved.  Though, as I learned later, we were most likely not in tremendous danger.  The builders of the community had taken precautions against the wildfires prone to the area, planted fireproof vegetation and such.  However, there was a slim chance that something could have gone wrong.  Our street was under voluntary evacuation and the street below us was under mandatory evacuation, after all. 

I think what made the experience not seem like a crisis in hindsight was the fact that my parents chose to have a very light mood about it all during and after the event.  My dad kept making jokes and tried to get us to laugh.  He kept assuaging our fears, always saying that nothing would happen, we were safe.  My mom was very practical about it all.  The packed-up van was just a precaution, she said to us.  I think the light mood helped immensely in our dealing with the problem.  And that's often how my family undergos trials: with a smile.  In that way, my mind often does not see crises as others might.  I see them as ways in which my family is brought closer together.

Intimacy

I have always felt that my parents have done very well in teaching their children about the beauty of intimacy but also the sacred nature of it.  Both of my parents had less than desirable experiences in learning about sexual intimacy from their parents.  So, when they married, they decided that they would take a different approach with their kids.  They wanted to be more open about it, less reserved, more able to answer questions, and more comfortable with it.  If ever I had a question of that nature, my parents would be as truthful as they could and give me as much information as they felt I needed to know.  By a certain age, they made sure that we each had a one-on-one conversation with them so that they could stress the importance of sexual intimacy as well as the mechanics.  I have always felt comfortable in coming to my mom with questions about sexual intimacy.  I want to take the same approach as my parents when I have children of my own. 

Getting Married

This week, I felt like I read so much data on how marriages can be made more difficult or even fail.  It seems that there are so many factors weighing against those who are looking for someone to marry and be with for eternity.  So much can go wrong.  That's why I thought of two major things this week that are important in keeping perspective on the marriage.  First, you have to pick the right person; the person who's going to be your best friend and absolutely committed to the relationship.  I think having a great makes all the difference.  But, of course, that doesn't mean that those who don't have a great start are doomed to failure.  It just makes it a little harder.  But it can be overcome!  This ties into the second thing I thought about this week, which was: don't focus on the small things.  Keep a wide perspective and always try to see the other side of things.  Being nit-picky doesn't scream for affection.  For me, at least, it a real turn-off.  Dr. Laura heavily advises against being a nagging wife.  And a nagging wife just focuses on the little things, not the droop in her husband's shoulders or loss of light and affection in his eye as she rails on him for something insignificant in comparison to the health of their marriage.  Focusing on the things that matter most will give us greater satisfaction in marriages.

Love and Finding That Certain Someone

It was interesting to see how many factors are a part of the partner selection process.  It not necessarily about "that certain spark" that many people are looking for.  Proximity, traditions, religion, and race come into play.  I think it's fascinating that many people think that some factors like race, religion, or class don't matter in who they date, but then they often end up with someone who is similar to them in those exact traits, not different.

The many different loves and their characteristics were also interesting.  It really caused me to reflect on the relationships or crushes that I've had in the past and what kind of love was involved.  I also contemplated some of the romantic films and books that I often watch and read and the relationships contained within those.  How often do the relationships work out, end in marriage, or end in a lasting satisfactory marriage after the ending credits roll?  Probably not very many.  It definitely puts a damper on my sappy, romantic notions, but it's true: love doesn't often work like in the movies.  Often, it's not real love.  I'm glad that I'm aware of it now so that I can better analyze my feelings when I'm in a serious relationship and make the right choice as to whether or not I should keep the relationship going.

Gender Roles

This week was particularly enlightening and really caused me to consider what role I wanted to play in my family and, more importantly, my future family.  Living in California, I have been bombarded with gender role and homosexual propaganda.  Women should be in the workplace, not shackled to their kitchen table, people said.  Homosexuality should be embraced, how dare you argue with us, you must be a bigot, they accused.

Recently, I read a book by one of my favorite people to listen to on the radio, Dr. Laura.  Her book "In Praise of Stay at Home Moms" really boosted my confidence in my decision to become a stay at home mom.  There are so many naysayers out there who try to put down the stay at home mothers, the caretakers and nurturers of the next generation.  They are treated as unintelligent, suppressed, less than.  I certainly didn't want to be any of those things, but I knew that being a mother should and would be my first priority.  I was being dragged down by the feminist culture that surrounded me.  Dr. Laura truly brought me back up.  A successful woman and a mother herself, she took time off from her career to raise a son.  Motherhood is truly rewarding, and I am proud of my decision to take the role of a stay at home mother in the future.

I love that men and women are so different in so many wonderful ways, but the same in many ways as well.  It gives us a chance to be familiar and connect with each other and creates an excitement in the unknown and challenges that can strengthen the relationship.  To me, I see life as boring and unfulfilled if my future husband was too much like me.  Perhaps even frustrating (more so than if he was not like me).

I am extremely glad that we learned more about homosexuality this week.  During Prop 8, I got asked many questions about why I believed gays shouldn't get married.  I honestly didn't know many facts about homosexuality, whether it was biological or psychological (I had my own thoughts, but I didn't want to be wrong), so I didn't say much except that I believed that marriage should be between a man and a woman.  Now that I am more informed, I feel much more secure in my position and in potentially sharing it with others when asked.

Family Culture

My family culture involves everyone in the family being close and involved with each other.  It's not that we "get in each others' business," but we share our business with the family.  Though, privacy is respected when it is wanted.  We always say "I love you," a tradition pushed by my father's great grandfather.  These aspects of my family's culture all come from my father's side.  My mother's family used to be more strict, stoic, and private.  Now, however, my mom, I think, liked my dad's family culture mare than her own and tried to adapt her new family unit (her kids) to it.  In the process, my mom's side has become more like my dad's.

This culture of closeness became a bit of a problem when my mom's dad was contacted by the son he had had in his first marriage.  The two reconnected after 50 years and he became apart our family (his mother had died some years ago).  Uncle John was something to get used to; someone new that we had to become close to.  He was not LDS and he had grown up in a different family culture.  It was a challenge at first to let him into the family; we were so close, I'm sure he sometimes felt left out.  But soon, he became a real family member.  He comes to our events and is involved in our lives, we support him in his life.  I think that was one of the ways we grew closer together: time.  He has always wanted a loving family; he was an only child in a home with a lot of boyfriends coming and going and he is currently divorced with no children.  I think he saw in our family culture something that was desirable and he adopted it.

Family Rules

My parents have always run a pretty loose ship at home.  Their policy is: I trust you to do the right thing until you prove me wrong, then you have rules and restrictions.  It's worked really well in our family; only my little brother and little sister have really given my parents reason to make up rules.  Because of this policy, I have always considered our family unit to be a "rule-free" family.  So it was interesting to see this week that in fact, my family does have rules.  They are unspoken and many times we are unaware of them, but they are there nonetheless.  Many of these rules I did not notice until I left home and saw how different people managed things differently.

One simple example that I noticed I did differently than some of my roommates was keep doors in the apartment open.  Simple and silly perhaps, but sometimes annoying to me nonetheless when my roommates would leave doors closed all of the time. I'd have to constantly knock before going in, see that no one was even in the room and give an exasperated sound.  Apparently, we have an open door policy at my house.  We only close doors when we need privacy or quiet, otherwise, they stay open. 

One unwritten rule of the family is that we must attend our family members' games, plays, competitions, etc.  In other words, we have to support each other.  Preferably in person.  It most likely started when my mom had to drag all five kids to soccer, basketball, and baseball games.  When some of us were old enough to stay home by ourselves, my mom would gently suggest that we attend the game, instead of stay home.  Of course, something in my mom's "suggestion" inordinately said, "you need to come."  It was imperceptible, yet impossible to disobey.  If ever we chose not to go, there was some feeling of lingering guilt and often a feeling of having missed out on something.  Then my mom would come home and make us feel even better by saying, "Kevin had a great game today.  Too bad you missed it."  Ugh!  Knife to the chest!  And that would ensure our attendence for a couple more weeks.