Getting Married

This week, I felt like I read so much data on how marriages can be made more difficult or even fail.  It seems that there are so many factors weighing against those who are looking for someone to marry and be with for eternity.  So much can go wrong.  That's why I thought of two major things this week that are important in keeping perspective on the marriage.  First, you have to pick the right person; the person who's going to be your best friend and absolutely committed to the relationship.  I think having a great makes all the difference.  But, of course, that doesn't mean that those who don't have a great start are doomed to failure.  It just makes it a little harder.  But it can be overcome!  This ties into the second thing I thought about this week, which was: don't focus on the small things.  Keep a wide perspective and always try to see the other side of things.  Being nit-picky doesn't scream for affection.  For me, at least, it a real turn-off.  Dr. Laura heavily advises against being a nagging wife.  And a nagging wife just focuses on the little things, not the droop in her husband's shoulders or loss of light and affection in his eye as she rails on him for something insignificant in comparison to the health of their marriage.  Focusing on the things that matter most will give us greater satisfaction in marriages.

Love and Finding That Certain Someone

It was interesting to see how many factors are a part of the partner selection process.  It not necessarily about "that certain spark" that many people are looking for.  Proximity, traditions, religion, and race come into play.  I think it's fascinating that many people think that some factors like race, religion, or class don't matter in who they date, but then they often end up with someone who is similar to them in those exact traits, not different.

The many different loves and their characteristics were also interesting.  It really caused me to reflect on the relationships or crushes that I've had in the past and what kind of love was involved.  I also contemplated some of the romantic films and books that I often watch and read and the relationships contained within those.  How often do the relationships work out, end in marriage, or end in a lasting satisfactory marriage after the ending credits roll?  Probably not very many.  It definitely puts a damper on my sappy, romantic notions, but it's true: love doesn't often work like in the movies.  Often, it's not real love.  I'm glad that I'm aware of it now so that I can better analyze my feelings when I'm in a serious relationship and make the right choice as to whether or not I should keep the relationship going.

Gender Roles

This week was particularly enlightening and really caused me to consider what role I wanted to play in my family and, more importantly, my future family.  Living in California, I have been bombarded with gender role and homosexual propaganda.  Women should be in the workplace, not shackled to their kitchen table, people said.  Homosexuality should be embraced, how dare you argue with us, you must be a bigot, they accused.

Recently, I read a book by one of my favorite people to listen to on the radio, Dr. Laura.  Her book "In Praise of Stay at Home Moms" really boosted my confidence in my decision to become a stay at home mom.  There are so many naysayers out there who try to put down the stay at home mothers, the caretakers and nurturers of the next generation.  They are treated as unintelligent, suppressed, less than.  I certainly didn't want to be any of those things, but I knew that being a mother should and would be my first priority.  I was being dragged down by the feminist culture that surrounded me.  Dr. Laura truly brought me back up.  A successful woman and a mother herself, she took time off from her career to raise a son.  Motherhood is truly rewarding, and I am proud of my decision to take the role of a stay at home mother in the future.

I love that men and women are so different in so many wonderful ways, but the same in many ways as well.  It gives us a chance to be familiar and connect with each other and creates an excitement in the unknown and challenges that can strengthen the relationship.  To me, I see life as boring and unfulfilled if my future husband was too much like me.  Perhaps even frustrating (more so than if he was not like me).

I am extremely glad that we learned more about homosexuality this week.  During Prop 8, I got asked many questions about why I believed gays shouldn't get married.  I honestly didn't know many facts about homosexuality, whether it was biological or psychological (I had my own thoughts, but I didn't want to be wrong), so I didn't say much except that I believed that marriage should be between a man and a woman.  Now that I am more informed, I feel much more secure in my position and in potentially sharing it with others when asked.

Family Culture

My family culture involves everyone in the family being close and involved with each other.  It's not that we "get in each others' business," but we share our business with the family.  Though, privacy is respected when it is wanted.  We always say "I love you," a tradition pushed by my father's great grandfather.  These aspects of my family's culture all come from my father's side.  My mother's family used to be more strict, stoic, and private.  Now, however, my mom, I think, liked my dad's family culture mare than her own and tried to adapt her new family unit (her kids) to it.  In the process, my mom's side has become more like my dad's.

This culture of closeness became a bit of a problem when my mom's dad was contacted by the son he had had in his first marriage.  The two reconnected after 50 years and he became apart our family (his mother had died some years ago).  Uncle John was something to get used to; someone new that we had to become close to.  He was not LDS and he had grown up in a different family culture.  It was a challenge at first to let him into the family; we were so close, I'm sure he sometimes felt left out.  But soon, he became a real family member.  He comes to our events and is involved in our lives, we support him in his life.  I think that was one of the ways we grew closer together: time.  He has always wanted a loving family; he was an only child in a home with a lot of boyfriends coming and going and he is currently divorced with no children.  I think he saw in our family culture something that was desirable and he adopted it.

Family Rules

My parents have always run a pretty loose ship at home.  Their policy is: I trust you to do the right thing until you prove me wrong, then you have rules and restrictions.  It's worked really well in our family; only my little brother and little sister have really given my parents reason to make up rules.  Because of this policy, I have always considered our family unit to be a "rule-free" family.  So it was interesting to see this week that in fact, my family does have rules.  They are unspoken and many times we are unaware of them, but they are there nonetheless.  Many of these rules I did not notice until I left home and saw how different people managed things differently.

One simple example that I noticed I did differently than some of my roommates was keep doors in the apartment open.  Simple and silly perhaps, but sometimes annoying to me nonetheless when my roommates would leave doors closed all of the time. I'd have to constantly knock before going in, see that no one was even in the room and give an exasperated sound.  Apparently, we have an open door policy at my house.  We only close doors when we need privacy or quiet, otherwise, they stay open. 

One unwritten rule of the family is that we must attend our family members' games, plays, competitions, etc.  In other words, we have to support each other.  Preferably in person.  It most likely started when my mom had to drag all five kids to soccer, basketball, and baseball games.  When some of us were old enough to stay home by ourselves, my mom would gently suggest that we attend the game, instead of stay home.  Of course, something in my mom's "suggestion" inordinately said, "you need to come."  It was imperceptible, yet impossible to disobey.  If ever we chose not to go, there was some feeling of lingering guilt and often a feeling of having missed out on something.  Then my mom would come home and make us feel even better by saying, "Kevin had a great game today.  Too bad you missed it."  Ugh!  Knife to the chest!  And that would ensure our attendence for a couple more weeks.